Mental health has always been known to me. But I have never considered it as a problem for me. But truth is, looking back, with the hindsight I have now, mental health and coping with problems when they arise has always been a battle.
When I was younger, I was told that I could not continue with a passion I deeply loved and lived for. I did not choose for it to end, I was forced to stop. I did not get to leave on my own terms, and still to this day, on almost a daily basis, I imagine a life I could of had if I hadn’t gotten ill.
But I did. And I had to pick myself up and find a new passion. Because I don’t mope around. I don’t wallow in self pity.
But until recently, I haven’t realised the pressure I have put on myself. Until recently, I haven’t allowed myself to get upset, or to just be with my thoughts and my emotions.
I always thought as a person I was strong. But I’m not strong. I’m quite the opposite. I’m a building on fire, ignoring the smoke detectors. And at last it has all caught up with me.
I’ve been sat on my own the past two evenings. Ive gone to work, I’ve been sociable, and I have come home and hidden myself away. Because I don’t want to explain that even though nothing is physically wrong, I’m upset and I’m sad. I’m lonely.
My point of all of this offloading, is that it’s ok to not be ok. When you’re physically fine, you have a job and a life, but you feel alone.
I am lucky that for me, whilst there are very, very few people i feel I can talk to about this, purely for pride reasons, I have writing. I have you guys, though for all I know no-one reads this. And I don’t need people to, I don’t need reassurance. I just need to talk and to write. To finally accept that I’m not 100%. And I’m going to be ok. It doesn’t feel like it right now. But I’m going to be ok.
Take a minute to think of your mental health. Don’t push it under the rug, like I did, only to pay attention when the house is burning down.
You will be ok. Just talk to someone.
wineandpen 