It’s not a poem today, hope you don’t mind!
I’ve been having some confusion within myself recently and I just wanted to say my thoughts aloud, as although they will not be relevant to all, I know deep down that I am not the only one thinking this, and I know I would appreciate the comfort in knowing someone else is going through this, and so I hope to be that person for anyone like me out there.
I am in my early twenties, as I have said before, and whilst I know that this is still very young and I have more than my life ahead of me than I do behind, adult hood has hit me hard, as I have also said before. But one thing I didn’t think would cause me as much confusion as it has is finding a boyfriend. Now I have joined dating apps, and have started dating, and there is one guy I have now seen multiple times, but I kind figure it out in my head.
I know I am attracted to him, and I know that he seems like a lovely person, but over the past week a cloud of doubt has passed over me. Now I have never had a relationship before, and to me this always seemed a big deal, but I have learned to embrace the fact that it has let me grow as an independent person. However, this fact has become a problem again. See, I like this guy…I think. I am struggling to figure out my feelings in my head as I have no past experience to judge them on.
I am in a constant head battle questioning if I like him, or I like the thought of a ‘him’. And I know to perhaps most of you out there this will seem like a silly battle, if there is doubt it must be no? Nonetheless, I am not used to letting people be in my space. I am somewhat open with my friends, and I love spending time with people, be it coffee, cinema, dinner or even on the sofa in my unattractive sweatshirt with a face-mask drying out my spots. But the idea of these activities with a boyfriend are completely new.
I was hoping to meet someone who was so comfortable to be around that I could put on my sweats and watch a movie and eat snacks with. But instead I feel this pressure to make him find me attractive, keep him interested.
I am used to guys as friends, I don’t need to impress them. But a boyfriend is so much different. I always hoped there would be no difference, a boyfriend would be like my friends just with the added bonus of dating, and should it be? I am battling finding out what I should feel. Battling if I actually like him, or if this confusion is a sign I don’t. I like spending time with him, but when I do I feel my brain thinking 50,000 other things at once.
I don’t know, its hard at the moment. I don’t want to sabotage what I do have, in the chance of regret, or self doubt or the chance that these emotions mean I do like him, as I care about putting him off, or him not liking me.
It’s hard for me at the moment. I would love to know anyones advice on how they knew they liked their first boyfriend, or even just knew they liked someone enough to keep dating them, even if they never became their boyfriend. As at the minute, the adult life I find a constant battle, is a walk in the park compared to all this emotions and feelings malarky.
Tweet me, email me or even leave a comment. I know its only little ol’ me on here but I would appreciate some conversation on this matter!!