Stop

The voice won’t stop,

The movement in my head won’t just.

Stop. Just stop. Pause.

Let me breathe.

Because I can’t sleep with this

forever churning machine,

In my head going round and

round and round and on.

And on.

Just stop, let me rest.

Let me switch off, just for

eight hours. It’s too much.

Life is too much and I need

a break. So please.

Give me a break.

Let me sleep.

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It’s been a while,

I haven’t written in a while,
and I apologise for that.
Not for you, whoever you are,
But for me.

The page is my venting space,
Its my inner sanity.
I am one to bottle things up,
and for me this is being open.

See I don’t think I have problems,
Not any important, anyway.
But loneliness is more of a shadow,
That I just can’t seem to shake.

It isn’t loneliness in that I am physically alone,
Though, most of the time I am.
And its not loneliness that I hate being alone,
I appreciate my space.

But I don’t have a person.
I don’t have a person,
who for them,
I am their person.

I don’t have the Christina to my Meredith,
My Derick to my Meredith,
Even my Alex,
or my Amelia.

It’s probably my own fault,
Though I have been trying to figure out why.
I am always really close to people,
But they never stick around.

I know I have a blunt personality,
But for the people who actually know me,
As cold and awkward as I am,
I am always there, always.

And so why don’t I have someone like that,
What did I do, to make people leave.

Those are my inner questions,
and now I have been open,
I’m screwing the lid back on tight.

Because people have real problems.
And to be honest,
If I am someones person,
even for a day,

Well, thats more fulfilling than having a person anyway.

Mental health

Mental health has always been known to me. But I have never considered it as a problem for me. But truth is, looking back, with the hindsight I have now, mental health and coping with problems when they arise has always been a battle.

When I was younger, I was told that I could not continue with a passion I deeply loved and lived for. I did not choose for it to end, I was forced to stop. I did not get to leave on my own terms, and still to this day, on almost a daily basis, I imagine a life I could of had if I hadn’t gotten ill.

But I did. And I had to pick myself up and find a new passion. Because I don’t mope around. I don’t wallow in self pity.

But until recently, I haven’t realised the pressure I have put on myself. Until recently, I haven’t allowed myself to get upset, or to just be with my thoughts and my emotions.

I always thought as a person I was strong. But I’m not strong. I’m quite the opposite. I’m a building on fire, ignoring the smoke detectors. And at last it has all caught up with me.

I’ve been sat on my own the past two evenings. Ive gone to work, I’ve been sociable, and I have come home and hidden myself away. Because I don’t want to explain that even though nothing is physically wrong, I’m upset and I’m sad. I’m lonely.

My point of all of this offloading, is that it’s ok to not be ok. When you’re physically fine, you have a job and a life, but you feel alone.

I am lucky that for me, whilst there are very, very few people i feel I can talk to about this, purely for pride reasons, I have writing. I have you guys, though for all I know no-one reads this. And I don’t need people to, I don’t need reassurance. I just need to talk and to write. To finally accept that I’m not 100%. And I’m going to be ok. It doesn’t feel like it right now. But I’m going to be ok.

Take a minute to think of your mental health. Don’t push it under the rug, like I did, only to pay attention when the house is burning down.

You will be ok. Just talk to someone.

I feel the fool this April…

I have just had a really deep chat with a close friend of mine, that I don’t think either of us were expecting. See turns out we have both finally opened up to one another about some really hard times we have gone through, and have come to the realisation we have been through the same things.

I don’t open up much, which might be hard to believe from this blog, but talking to myself (as it seems) online, is much easier than speaking aloud to someone. Today I realised I need to speak up more often.

Lives are all rather similar
As bizarre as that statement sounds.
But as I am here living an academic lifestyle,
And you go through the life of rock and roll
Our emotions are the same.

I feel lonely.
Time has gone by and is going by too
quickly. And I don’t know how to plan
For the next stages.
It’s scary

I don’t have many friends,
you mean much more to me than I think you
realise. As you are always there
And I know you’re always there,
Even though I don’t call on you much.

My life is on a timeline.
I know when this stage will end
And I am in no way prepared for
What could come next.
My job and my friends

Are all unknown.
I don’t have anyone I can run to
in the drop of an instance
I can’t go to someones door
And be sure I will be welcomes

With open arms and care.
I know you would if you could,
And you would drive the hours to
find me and give me comfort.
And I love you and would do the same.

But I need someone else.
I need someone closer to home that
I can have my daily calming,
My daily assurance,
That I am doing okay.

That’s where I’m at. I feel very alone and lost, and I know that I don’t have long to fix that. Everything is ending. And my one true friend will always be there, but I don’t have anyone else. And he to me, is different to me for him. It’s hard. This life and this stage in life is hard.

But it’s okay. I am aware of my mental health. I am beginning to be open about my mental health. And I have learned that whilst a local true friend is needed and wanted to anyone. As long as you have one person who you can spill all to, and be openly honest about to, life will be okay. At least for today anyway.

And if all of that is not true, and I am fooling myself to believe that it is. Well, it is April first.

Here’s one for the boys…

So this week international women day happened, and as anyone who knows me knows, I am very much an independent woman. I grew up in a household of sisters and have a mother who can pretty much do anything she sets her mind too. For all of this I am eternally grateful for the women around us who everyday encourage us to be even stronger and independent than we were the day before. And I acknowledge that we will stand together and fight until all women can have what I have been lucky enough to experience.

But today I would like to give a little shout out to the boys that have been grouped together. The men who have been stereotyped and stigmatised because of the other men who make stupid life decisions. So for the boys that I love, this ones for you.

There’s a bit of a stigma,
An expectation, assumptions.
That you all get what you want,
Because you’re a man.

But I know you struggle too.
I know you too have industries,
Aspirations, that are not,
What some call gender friendly.

You get emotional, like us,
Yet its seen as weak.
You get looked down on, like us,
Because you want to be a nurse, like us a lawyer.

You want to be the stay at home dad,
Whilst your wife is out their slaying it.
You go ahead, wear that baby carrier with pride,
Whilst you cheer us from the sidelines.

But don’t let them punish you for that.
Fight for your paternity pay.
Defend your manhood, it’s a hard life,
Kids are harder than adults (though sometimes questionable).

But too all of you boys,
Old and young,
I want to say thank you.

We would not be here,
celebrating womanhood,
If some of you a long time ago
Hadn’t made us fight for it.

And we wouldn’t be here,
Living the awesome lives we do,
Without you standing by our sides,
Cheering us on.

So this one is for you,
Your own little man’s day.
I know all of you good ones,
Have a bad rep from the bad ones.
But I will always know,

That my best friends in life,
Some of the few people that have made me who I am
Are men,

and I am damn proud to admit that.

Lost

I feel like since I started writing, everything has been about me being sad, lonely and lost. Truth is, that’s what it feels like lately.

I’m not depressed, I like my life, but the most pressing emotions at the moment, the most frequent and most noticeable are that of loneliness.

I have not felt my true self in a while, and I have not felt like I have had people I can be myself around in a while. The people I call my friends are of course my friends, but their lives are moving differently to mine at the moment.

I don’t know how to explain,

The emotions I have felt recently.

You’re here and I’m here,

But I’m feeling somewhat lonely.

Our lives are all very different,

Important moments are not the same.

For my happiness today,

Was something you would brush away.

But that’s ok, I understand.

It’s my battle I am fighting.

And I’ll get through, I know I will,

It’s just harder than I thought.

So I’m feeling a bit lost,

Take it easy on me okay?

A smile is very much appreciated,

On one of my lonely days.

Figuring out feelings

It’s not a poem today, hope you don’t mind!

I’ve been having some confusion within myself recently and I just wanted to say my thoughts aloud, as although they will not be relevant to all, I know deep down that I am not the only one thinking this, and I know I would appreciate the comfort in knowing someone else is going through this, and so I hope to be that person for anyone like me out there.

I am in my early twenties, as I have said before, and whilst I know that this is still very young and I have more than my life ahead of me than I do behind, adult hood has hit me hard, as I have also said before. But one thing I didn’t think would cause me as much confusion as it has is finding a boyfriend. Now I have joined dating apps, and have started dating, and there is one guy I have now seen multiple times, but I kind figure it out in my head.

I know I am attracted to him, and I know that he seems like a lovely person, but over the past week a cloud of doubt has passed over me. Now I have never had a relationship before, and to me this always seemed a big deal, but I have learned to embrace the fact that it has let me grow as an independent person. However, this fact has become a problem again. See, I like this guy…I think. I am struggling to figure out my feelings in my head as I have no past experience to judge them on.

I am in a constant head battle questioning if I like him, or I like the thought of a ‘him’. And I know to perhaps most of you out there this will seem like a silly battle, if there is doubt it must be no? Nonetheless, I am not used to letting people be in my space. I am somewhat open with my friends, and I love spending time with people, be it coffee, cinema, dinner or even on the sofa in my unattractive sweatshirt with a face-mask drying out my spots. But the idea of these activities with a boyfriend are completely new.

I was hoping to meet someone who was so comfortable to be around that I could put on my sweats and watch a movie and eat snacks with. But instead I feel this pressure to make him find me attractive, keep him interested.

I am used to guys as friends, I don’t need to impress them. But a boyfriend is so much different. I always hoped there would be no difference, a boyfriend would be like my friends just with the added bonus of dating, and should it be? I am battling finding out what I should feel. Battling if I actually like him, or if this confusion is a sign I don’t. I like spending time with him, but when I do I feel my brain thinking 50,000 other things at once.

I don’t know, its hard at the moment. I don’t want to sabotage what I do have, in the chance of regret, or self doubt or the chance that these emotions mean I do like him, as I care about putting him off, or him not liking me.

It’s hard for me at the moment. I would love to know anyones advice on how they knew they liked their first boyfriend, or even just knew they liked someone enough to keep dating them, even if they never became their boyfriend. As at the minute, the adult life I find a constant battle, is a walk in the park compared to all this emotions and feelings malarky.

Tweet me, email me or even leave a comment. I know its only little ol’ me on here but I would appreciate some conversation on this matter!!

xx